"maintain yourself. he's not God"

my head is spinning, round and round. the world is ending. much sooner than i thought. the world is infested with sin. it belongs to the devil, and he continuously gains pleasure in seeing me fall. i cannot allow myself to be weak. somehow, someway, i NEED to discover a better path. i need to cross over that one bridge that will lead me in the right direction. God, please aid me and bless me with the courage to climb over this obstacle and give me the strength to continue on this long and winding road i call my life. i mustn't keep putting myself in the position where my hands are tied and my feet dangle over the edge. regain strength? gain strength. i don't think i ever really was strong. i have always been the one that gets walked all over. times are changing. time for rearranging. if i'm lucky, things will change. but in a sense it will remain the same. please please please. that is what i am aiming for. pray, all i must do is pray.

a miracle is all i'm asking for.

today =

good day :) good tip. nice customers. annnnnnnnnnd thursday was moved to today. thank goodness! shakey's buffet was a waste of money. barely ate shit. i get full like no other. i came to realization today that i work at an ice cream parlor, and i actually LOST three pounds.











will i ever exceed 100 pounds?!?!

soothe

thanks cristian, this song is putting me to sleep.


unknown adventures up until thursday. i hate not knowing what to do. tuesday and wednesday are work-free. but i unfortunately will be unable to see the love of my life until stupid thursday. sunday is barely halfway over and done with. i have a feeling this week is gonna go by extra slow. especially since i spent last week so wisely. not a single day went to waste. woke up next to the guy that i am dying to spend the rest of my life with. we lied down next to eachother for hours at a time, soaking in eachother's comfort. i love when he holds me tight. it reassures me. lets me know just how much i mean to him. and i am able to tell him just how much he means to me, how grateful i am to have him in my life, how happy i am to see us together. after all this improvement. after everything. we're still here. he's really got a hold of me. don't let go. i can't let go. tight grip. clasped hands. all mine.
christian michael ramos: you consume me.

i have a shopping addiction these days. last weeks paycheck is officially gone. spent. well spent might i add. bargain shopping is my specialty. montclair, santa anita, pasadena, LA... i typically don't waste my time and money in those locations but i just had to! ha. i'm dying to make a few pit stops at some inland empire thrift stores this week. malls just frustrate me. everyone has the same thing from the same stores. sometimes i wish i had a time machine so i can go back to the mid 80's and steal the clothes from my mom's closet. no lie.

i wonder who will attend our wchs class of 2009 reunion?

i don't want to be your friend
i just want to be your lover
no matter how it ends
no matter how it starts.

.

i can't be so nonchalant about this "everlasting" situation. mama knows best. she's nowhere short of naive. it's all out. everything is completely out in the open. and i'm not quite sure of how to react towards it either? scared shitless for the most part. in other retrospects, i am entirely relieved. as strange as it may seem.

family comes first.

before anything. i once told a friend that i wasn't down to join in on his session cause i had priorities. haaa. MS.PRIORITIES. yea, i need to put my priorities in my mind. keep them in mind. set my life straight. no weed for me. no more controlling ex boyfriends that keep reeling me in and dragging me to continuous misery. i don't enjoy being meddled with, so why did i allow this shit to go on for so long? there's a simple explanation: cmr, i love you. but enough is enough.










done.
i'm fucking over this.

if you seek amy

f u c k me

just when i thought britney wasn't crazy anymore...

me

i am a plethora of knowledge.




and you... are no different than the floor i walk on. you're shit to me.

mmhm

plenty of annoying people decided that they want to buy ice cream today.
i can't wait til summer really starts to kick in! twice as many blisters on my fingers, twice as many rude customers... at least my checks will increase my satisfaction. on the other hand, i'll be lucky if i even have any leisure time to shop.

this summer really oughta be somethin'. as usual, plans are made. but the question is, will anyone actually come through this time!? ha. round trip tickets to new york really aren't pricey at all. my entire family has persuaded me that a trip to mexico would not be such a bright idea. i would much rather die peacefully instead of being kidnapped and forced into human trafficking or killed and stuffed with pellets of cocaine. wow, our world is so sickening.

on another note:
i'm stuck in my thoughts. it feels as if there is no way out. so many hands reach down into this bottomless pit. leads to nothing. nowhere, you say? i'm trapped inside. no one has gotten far enough. they yell and yell. over and over, and over and over. failed attempts. drilled into my head. but i don't have a care in the world. opinionate. it may appear one way, but i'm really the only one who knows how this works. keep trying, keep failing. keep trying, i'm failing. it's degrading. pathetic. i care too much. more than you could possibly imagine.

on the plus side... i look sweet with a mustache :D

every single muscle on my body aches

65 bucks to dance the night away at disneyland. danced til 5:30 in the morning. same songs over and over again. i was dying but my feet simply would not comply with my mind. me and liz managed to stay awake and keep on moving, even though we were some of the very few people that weren't all messed up on some sort of drug. no shrooms or ecstasy for me. no thank you, i'll pass. :) spent the majority of the night with these guys. ha they're funny. mmmmhm.

i love my family. but sometimes they can be pretty out of line. again, i'm sorry. i know they are only looking out for my well-being. please keep that in mind.

anyways. i am FINALLY a high school graduate!!! boy does time fly. congratulations class of 2009. :) now what? summer fun. travel. party. sleep in. college. work. growing up. i don't feel the least bit ready for this.

with one more day til graduation

still hasn't hit me. not a single tear drop has fallen from my eyes. please tell me this is normal. knock on wood. never works. i still do it anyways. having a sense of faith keeps me hopeful every now and then.

the main people i'll actually miss from wchs.

I know there's a reason you're forcing a smile
You hide what you're feeling and you have for a while
I can tell that you're falling
And you feel that you can't go on
But a new day is calling
And you'll see that the feeling is gone

You know you're not the only one
Who has a lot to overcome
And when the time has come then you move on
'Cause you've been crying for too long
Sometimes life is so unkind
But change is never a waste of time

I know how you're feeling, I've been there before
The hurting is something much to strong to ignore
Don't be waiting for someone
Who can take all your fear away
When there's no one to listen
That is when you should not be afraid

But change is never a waste... it's never a waste of time



the words that spill from the mouth of alanis play in my head over and over

almost here

it really hasn't hit me yet, but i know i will truly miss everything and everyone.



but why?
high school is such bull shit.