50/50

i kinda care, i kinda dont.


i just wanna do me right now, let you do you, and hopefully sometime soon we can pick back up where we left off & fix us.

nope

not this time around.

keeping at it

it's as if it never happened.
most people can't be trusted.
but i'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
some things are better left unsaid.
it'd be best.
as long as i'm not doing anything wrong, then everything should be fine.
things are back in their place.
i'm back in my right mind.
doubtful feelings have disappeared and my heart is with its' rightful owner.
right where it belongs.

ochenta

i love how we can do absolutely nothing & still have the time of our lives

this past weekend

two all nighters in a row. friday night & saturday night. sitting and talking on the curb in front of baskin robbins. late night visits to see the bestfriend. realllllyyyy late night visit to see a drunken friend. baby luna <3 chitchat in lizs car til the sun comes up. then its off to lynwood. wake up wake up on a saturday afternoon next to a bunny. griffith park plans go down the drain and are easily replaced by an all expenses paid trip to pacific theaters at the grove ;) paid ice blended drinks, free pastries whaaattt? the cashier liked me haha. knight & day was quite alright. chill in parking lot, thiiiiiinkkkkk. we're in LA, what the fuck is there to do at 11 at night with two underage teens? damn my cousin! drive down melrose, hit beverly hills, fuck it. its back to lynwood again. hanging out & laughing in my dining room, when we finally decide. fuck it lets go out & adventure. 1 in the morning:

me- hey mom we're going out
mom- *nods* kay

i love how she trusts me, as long as i tell her what it is that im doing she doesnt mind. she knows i have a good head on my shoulders. take off, one block down, hellooooo compton. look for open joints, fail. everythings closed at 1:30 A.M. drop off reymundo. after driving around long enough.




while we're waiting... fuck it, self timer that shit.


empty house, no electricity, two lit candles, warm drinks, & a few chairs.

there's plenty of room with there being no furniture and all.
so what does that mean?
failed attempt to teach briana how to do a cartwheel.


had a good fourth of july. went to my tia's house where i ate delicious food, caught up with my cousin, watched the kids blow bubbles & play. then took off to el monte where mom was meeting up with dad so clarissa could spend the remainder of the day and this entire week with dad. then met up with chris & daniel and went back to christian's to play with fireworks and watch them make weak ass bombs. overall it was a good day.

clingy=no go.

hm :)

its days like these that make me wanna stay by your side forever.

old you.

new me. confused feelings, my emotions ran haywire. i let them get the best of me. i swear i'm not one to do this. i can say it over and over and over again until i convince myself that you believe me. as much as you say you believe me, i don't believe myself. things got a tad bit out of hand. "the situation" (as i like to call it) really isn't all that fucked up when you look at it from a farther view, so why do i feel so shitty? it felt right. it felt new and exciting and it felt like a feeling i once knew. it felt like something i haven't felt in a really long time. and honest to god, i liked it. i missed it. i craved it. deep down i want us to go back in time to when you used to be cute with me. way before we let ourselves get to be so comfortable with eachother. i need to get out of my comfort zone. lets go back to when we were still scared of saying something wrong, or when i would get nervous with the softest touches. i had a sample just to remind myself of how all of it once felt. i felt alive and spontaneous again. for once in my life. whats wrong with me? i don't know what to do, let alone what to think. i need time to myself.

wow

so i got a fortune cookie and it read "good news will come from far away"...and you're far away





asdfgsdfbvhj!

i thought i lost myself for a moment there

i thought i was ready, but a split second changed everything back to normal. i snapped to my senses.

call me crazy but,

i want more than anything in the world for you to keep me in your grasp for as long and as tight as possible. hold me close, dont let go. i deserve better. give me better.

hm

at least now i don't feel as bad.

EW

why the fuck do i do this?
complain then take granted once i get my way.
i really should think before i act more.
everything's so spur in the moment for me.
think think think think think!
damn it. >:/

70.

hospitals give me the heebie jeebies. upset, scared, sick people strolled in and out, looped through doors and elevators and different rooms. noises attempt to go in one ear & out the other. instead they are drilled into my head. cause my skin to shiver and make goosebumps appear. old man screaming from the pain. i couldn't help but freak out. i'm scared of getting sick and growing old.

as for today...

i love getting all dolled up :) went for an early dinner/late lunch at the cheesecake factory w/ my cousins, mom, and her friend. got stuffed off half eaten salmon & that ultimate red velvet cheesecake. then sex & the city 2 afterwards. did we call it or what man?! can't believe carrie ): ahaha. fun little girls night out had a sudden twist at the end. went to hang out for a bit at a special someone's house. really wasn't what i had expected. i don't know what to expect anymore. maybe that's a good thing? anything could happen now i guess. SURPRISE ME! just don't break my heart anymore than you already have.

goodnight & hello to my leftover salmon.

ticking time bomb

forget about it. i'm giving you til the end of time. but there's a catch: count me out. i'm killing myself. this is killing me. overanalyzing and overthinking; what the fuck did i do wrong? oh well oh well oh well. beating myself up over this. i can't stand the idea of me feeling miserable & you having the time of your life.
fuck you
fuck you
FUCK YOU!
you walked in and walked out today like nothing. like it was no big deal. & left me with nothing but a few words on a wrinkled napkin. none of which i wanted to see. three OTHER simple words would've made me feel better. but instead i don't see those words until after i claim that i'll make sure to leave you alone. i can't fucking do this. all i gotta say, is you're gonna regret this. i know right now i'm at my lowest. can't get any lower than this. but just you wait and see. just like last time. trust me, you'll see. give me time. a whole mess of time. wow i'm gonna need so much time ): but hey! i'll be better than ever. bright as new. just like i always am. right? god, i hope so.

"i think i'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street." why jenny lewis, now doesn't that idea seem swell!

sometimes things change

maybe he's over it.

1-i feel like im never gonna find another guy who has his qualities, and whos family is so chill with me, and who i can trust fully. like i think most of the times id get mad at him that i was just digging and digging to find a flaw in him
honest to god, i trusted him with my life. but i think i just didnt wanna let my guard down cause i thought the second i did that he'd pull a fast one and fuck me over like everyone else has

2-everyone has them even you, even me ah no one is perfect, and you cant say he is perfect

1-i know hes not perfect
im not saying hes perfect

2-youll mean someone esle your gonna fall headover heels with

1-im saying he's pretty darn close in my eyes

2-boys come and go if hes meant to stay he will


when i overanalyze & look deeper into everything that goes wrong in my life, i come to realize that all these obstacles i've encountered have all branched from the same damn tree. of infidelity and immorality. i keep picking bad apples. except for one. this one is bittersweet. each bite gets better and better. but now, all of a sudden, i'm down to the core. done. finito.

waiting

1 hour, 13 minutes.
then i call it quits and i'll never look back.

babycakes, you're my foible

please please please be good to me
this happens to all of us
apparently im not good enough
i can make you laugh like tangerine
you say that im still here
that proves that i love you dear
late at night you come home smelling tangerine
i'm not going to bed
just say please please please be good to me


psh, check me out. first time in a long time that i'm up at this hour. i sleep like a baby when i'm happy with my life. catch my drift? forced sleep. let's hope that drunken trees will help, or else it's time to start counting sheep.

dont stop

my life's an open book. i'm dying for you to read each and every one of my thoughts.

yesterday

how long will it take me to get over this? i know it's been not even a day yet i'm all ready to explode. it feels so surreal. for two and a half years my life had its ups and downs but it felt right. i thought everything was going amazing, but apparently i was wrong. apparently there were hidden emotions and thoughts; i guess i kinda knew they were there, but i just wasn't aware of how much it was effecting things between us. how could you play me for a fool? or, better yet, how could i allow you to play me for a fool? how could i be so naive? then again, i could be wrong. as the old saying goes: "if you love something, then let it go"? thats what we're doing here i guess. i love you more than anything. and i know you'd be crazy to say that you don't feel the same for me. so then what are you doing this for? why have you given up on me? when the going gets rough, you're supposed to hold on tighter. but instead you're letting go. leaving me. is this what you really want? i heard your quivering voice, saw your teary eyes when you said everything you had to say. this isn't what you want. it's the last thing i want.

the only person i truly counted on and trusted has left me high and dry...
so now what do i do?

i woke up on numerous accounts last night. i slept horribly and everytime i would awake your name and face came to mind. i can't recall any of my dreams but i'm pretty sure they involved you, or something like it. i'm holding my phone right next to me but for what? i know you're not going to call. denial much? as for today, i'm just gonna stay in bed and drown in my misery. it's a gloomy day outside & i'm soaking it all in. i forgot how it feels to have my heart broken. it feels worse and worse each time around. i don't think i'll ever grow immune. get me high, make me numb. i want to forget.

being crushed from your closing walls
i never thought it would have come to this
i'd try to tell you but my lungs are being crushed
my voice is the last thing that i thought i'd ever miss
i hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
now i guess i'm just a liar
would i be lying if i said i don't know?
now i guess that this is over
and i'm sorry that you have nothing to show
i hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
and i can't do what you please
when i haven't been standing on my own two feet
i'll come running back to you just like you knew i'd do



it's hard to talk when the words are on the tip of your tongue.

never going to give up on you like you did to me.

soooooooo

thanks for leaving me to figure my shit out on my own.
thanks for leaving me to fend for myself.
i don't know if i can do this alone.
i'm ready to give up.
can anyone hear me out there?
this is me crying for help.
this is me in need of a helping hand.
i feel so useless without you.
i feel pathetic just admitting it.

05/23/10 has changed my mind drastically.

through thick and thin my effing ass.

-__-

half of the week here, the rest of the week there.
my summer's going to consist of lots of backs and forths.
story of my life.
nothing new there.
my stomach aches.
starving? tired? maybe both.

i needa get on the ball!

you would think I'd be ecstatic

right?

crack my head open so all my thoughts will spill out

i'm tired and i'm angry and i just want to scream at the fucking top of my lungs. it's been a while since i've been this stressed out. i haven't had a cry this good in such a long time. i feel like shit but, boy does it feel fucking great to let it all out. thank god i'm actually home alone for once. but i don't wanna be alone right now. i feel so lonely. too lonely. i feel so small. i feel like this shouldn't matter but no, everything matters. every little thing matters to me right now. this big room with no space. this house is filled up from door to door. i've no room to breathe. i need a fucking breather. i need to get the fuck away. from school, "home", everyone i know. i feel smothered for some reason. chills keep running down my spine and up my arms. my eyes feel so goddamn heavy. i'm exhausted. a bit scared. extremely lost. i feel like a child all over again. i want my mom to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. but it was much more believable back then. i know better now, and i also know that she would be full of shit if she were to say that to me now. i look around and i know it's not gonna be okay. not anytime soon at least.

my mind isn't the only thing that's a mess.

i don't think we're anything close to being 100% there this time. so many expectations that are never met. so many ambitions that are yet to be reached. i'm tired & ready for a nap.

17.

up and laggiiiinnnnnnnnggggggg. is it horrible that i wanna skip out on church for today? i'm a bad christian >:/

16.

ice cube couldn't have said it any better: today was a good day.

15.

i anticipate this little run in. duuuuuuude, i swear i'll go apeshit OMGGGZZZ LOLZ.

14.

i could really care less honestly.
we've come a very long way, and i'm through.
this is where we're staying.
yep, you said it.
"forever", right?
i believe it and can swear it on everything i love.
light as a feather.
these weights are off my shoulders.
thank goodness :)

13.

my stuffy nose is killing me. & i dont wanna lie down because it'll only get worse. but im so tired >:/ from erica and nick to christian to angelina and me. i hate this sick feeling. ima take some "dream juice" as christian and nick like to call it. hopefully i'll be all good to go to san diego tomorrow morning. METRIC. fuck yah man. off to a good, knocked out slumber.

p.s. we're stronger than ever right now. i love christian michael ramos <3

12.

silent treatment.
ima give it a go.

11.

you're cool.

10.

i have theeeeee shortest temper. FUCK OFF.

09.

christian & i are the new bonnie & clyde.
we're gonna keep using up these sizzler coupons.
we're on the road to obesity.
i wish we could hangout even more.
school consumes our lives for the most part as of now.
can't wait to see either shutter island or alice in wonderland this weekend :)
off to finish watching the rest of trainspotting.

08.

watch.

07.

lucky number seven. it always takes those long talks to convince me that everything is going to be alright. i guess you can say friday was the day for me to just think everything through. relax and chill the fuck out. yesterday made my weekend overall. FINALLY. and trust me there is more to come! something about spending a time span of a complete day together always seems to make me happy.

the crazies creeped the shit out of me. & stupid christian decided to spook me until i went to bed. woke up to the sight of christian staring at me... even creepier HA. sometimes i think we both go way overboard with everything that we go through. we're making adjustments & we're catching every mistake we make along the way. you make a mistake, then you gotta fix it. just what we're doing. ahhhhh im loving this! got my family, got my boyfriend, bestfriends and school... now i just need to continue job hunting (actually get another job) and i'll be good to go!

:D<3

06.

i'm so tired of my life.

i'm tired of trying to make those i love happy; and the few times that i ask for any sort of favor in return it, strangely, bites me in the ass. why even bother going over and beyond for you? no gratitude in return. hardly any sign of appreciation. i can't even imagine you thinking about wanting to give me a speck of the world. the way i see it: if you truly love someone then you would want to do everything in your power to make them happy, make them not hurt anymore, make it so that the quality time you two spend together would somehow make all the worries in the world disappear. fuck, man. you don't love me. this is all just a wad of bullshit. how could something so important to me be so unimportant to you? shit. this can't be the real thing then. all along i've been too fucking hopeful. too fucking caught up in my own mind; thinking that you would somehow change for me. not yourself.. but certain views that you may have. i thought that you would come to realization and see that people do certain things that they don't want to do, just because they know it would put a smile upon the face of that certain someone they are "in love" with.

who am i kidding?
this is just another thing that gets thrown on top of the let-downs-of-my-life pile.

05.

& this my friends is what one would call an epiphony...

04.

as aggravated, frustrated, annoyed, upset that you may get me... i still love you with every single inch of my heart.

03

ai que fea. yeeeep. another one of those.

02

dumb shit. my life is full of so much fucking dumb shit. i can't stand so many people. and half of these people are people that i don't even know. the other half i have come to know far too well, and soon realized that they aren't the type of people i want to surround myself with. i've lost touch with these people in so little time. and i can really care less for the most part.

today--actually this past hour or so--i am so caught up in my mind. i have so much thats DYING to spew out. but really its the same thing as before. the same thing as last week, and last month, and last year. for some reason they still haven't figured out how to read my emotions. reverse psychology doesn't quite work so well on me.

i can feel my guts ready to come up my throat.

its been a while

i prefer writing out everything i feel, it seems to give me a sense of sanity. we'll see how this goes...