i already know where this is heading

i'm expecting so many things to change. it's gonna happen awfully quick too. watch. just you wait and see. i already know where this is going. i already know how this story ends. schedules will collide. time consuming. wasting time? hope not. i've worked way too hard for this, to get this, and now i'm gonna make sure i get to keep this. too many battles i had to fight. too many sorrys. too many i told you sos. too many breakups. too many car rides. too many things to be grateful for. too many things to remind me. too many things to not forget. too many sleepovers. too many risks. too many tears. too many changes of heart. too many momentos i have lying around all over the place. never enough i love yous. never enough hugs. never enough embraces. never enough, never enough, never enough.

more to come.
keep 'em coming my way.
i'm not done just yet.

i need need need need NEED to get over this. look past all the little things. tell me i'm overreacting. prove to me that all these words i hear you say are true. let me believe; i want to trust. more than anything in the world. more than absolutely every little thing in this entire world. madness is what all of this is.

liz is gay

as you can see, i really haven't had many complaints nowadays :)

why am i tripping

?!?!?!?!

i dont even know maaan! cmr, i miss you. too lame.
long day.
been up since 5 something in the morning.
nigga we don't play when it comes to shopping.
we mean business.
aha

i hate the doctors

i can't believe i missed the yeah yeah yeahs for this shit >:/ i should be at lizs right now, hella stoked about how amazing these past two days were.. but nope. fuck stupid random pains in my lower abdomen and throwing up.

mio

cmr

baby, lets go see this already :)

blaaaah

fashion district in the morning, pshh i wish.
les' see wassup.

first week of school is over as of thursday afternoon.
stupid me; only ten units; no longer full-time.
damnit.
heres the plan:
school= fall, winter, spring.
summer=free of school.
i have next saturday off from work.
my first saturday off in a long time :)
that really got me psyched.

im a creep.
i like watching chris eat.
and watching him drive around, looking all concerned.
my babys cute.
blahblahblahblahblah.

outskies

im gonna be working

while you're off stage diving onto peoples heads. NICE.

.>> starting on aug. 26 @ 6:45 a.m.; ending on august 27 @ 3:55ish p.m. <<.
24+ hours spent continuously with papi chulo.
thats the way i enjoy my days passing by.

yesterday went as follows:
four o'clock in the morning; alarm goes off. snooze button is pressed a few times. 4:40 wake up. shower. dressed. pack. leave inland empire. covina post office by 6:25.
call. stroll to starbucks. monte. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepnexttobabe til he makes me get up cause "[i] cant be a lazy bum all day". i forgot what was in this 4 hour or so gap til we go pick up alex? stupid levis outlet sucks. i dont recommend it unless youre a big fan of 501's. ontario mills. hola andy zambrano. overwhelmed; i wish i could buy everything that catches my eye. at least i finally found some cute brown boots that won't cost me an entire paycheck. sbarros is hella expensive. i'm cheap. wait. no, i'm smart when it comes to shopping. mmmhm. walked around. run into laura yodog. catch up. montemontemonte haha. leave ontario mills. i am in great hate with the 909.
as if i'm on good terms with west covina.
or lynwood.

maybe i'm just altogether tired of southern california.
somewhere calm & peaceful might be in store for me sometime in the future.
a place i can call home.
as of now, nowhere possible.
nowhere in reach.

i got tired of giving the rundown of how yesterday was. to summarize it..
hot, sweaty & sticky
good quality time
sleepover


blaaaaaaaaah i am so tempted to buy this lovely kimchi dress. there's three different ones that i want to buy, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut i shan't. introduction to shakespeare ahhaha. class starts monday. one class mondays and wednesdays. three classes tuesdays and thursdays. free of education fridays and weekends. more hours of scooping hundreds of calories to people. those of you who haven't done so should really pick up one of those nutrition booklets we have RIGHT WHEN YOU WALK INSIDE baskin robbins. loads of fat, loads of cash. it's sort of a lose/lose situation. haha wow here i am hating on my job. well, i'm glad that i even have a job. the economy sucks. too many people have gotten laid off. too many people are forced to do what they should've done years ago: go back to school. community colleges are as jampacked as ever. i'll pray for you.

stomach ache. typically on work days i have a double scoop or a shake for dinner.
time for a trip to the kitchen.
shower.
then off to bed.
night

i'm finally getting the hang of this

my life has a nice little ring to it nowadays. i find myself right where i want to be. even though we might have gotten a little ahead of ourselves, i'm okay with taking a raincheck. of course. again with speaking too soon. mmmm it's more than alright :) i am nowhere close to full independence. what on earth was i thinking!? did i really think i had all my shit together? "so you think you can play house d'ya?" baby baby baby... you know me far too well.

on a brighter note: i await a fat,juicy check that has my name written all over it. all for briana. all for briana's necessities. end of november. yeeesss.

adrian emmanuel plays melodious tunes as sweet thoughts run through my mind.
what a lovely scene this is.
if only you were here. yea, then it'd be perfect.
yet i understand fully and i trust you being so far away.
it was nice being able to see you on three different accounts today before you left.
i miss you already.
(talk about sprung)
days like these. nights like these.
is it stupid that it feels weird each moment i don't spend with you?
is it stupid that no matter what i'm doing, where i'm at, or who i'm with my thoughts trace back to you? so many things that remind me of you. my ears anticipate the sound of your voice. my body longs for your sweet embrace.
i miss you too much.
a few hours feels like forever.
imagine a few days ha.

-- --- --

keep your youth.
remain immature.
i dont give a fuck.






im lying.

lets take a stroll down memory lane

looking back, clarissa is growing up way too fast. my little changa :/
i miss my family.
i'm hardly ever with my mom.
i talk to my mom a couple times a week.
i hate it.
it sucks.
divorce truly does tear people apart.











ever since the second we graduated,
it's as if we've grown extremely distant from one another.
my best friends are the only friends i have that i will literally do anything for.
the three of us each have our own things to worry about.
we'll find areas in our busy schedules that we may dedicate to quality time together.
soon enough.








loveofmylife.
'nuff said.
i've no idea what i would do if i didn't have him by my side.




yea, this is what happens when liz falls asleep early on a friday night...
leaving you with nothing else to do.
but look through old pictures on photobucket, ha.

i'll continue to take care of you, in sickness and in health.

oh baby

pretty fly for a white guy ;) mega babe. ahaha

feels kinda weird being at liz's right now since i haven't been here in more than three weeks. eyemeeesedhurr

last night

i saw harriet the spy for the first time in like a gajillion years.

my vision seems to be getting worse

i should probably wear my glasses more often.
lately i have these moments where my eyes go cuckoo bananas and everything is hella blurry.
they ache like crazy right now.
dent may is awfully soothing.
talk about healing and easy listening :) ahaha.
thanks for the heads up bub!
memes in a bit.
hope all you negros are having fun at sound and fury.
consuming all that time with my man.
goodnight babe, i love you
<3

this is about the time that my thoughts run haywire

i am in desperate need of one of our famous
stay-at-home-in-our-pjs-&-rent-movies-&-buy-ourselves-each-a-tub-of-ice-cream
nights.

i miss my best friends so damn much ): dude?! it's summer! what the fuck is going on?! bunny better come back from GAYdonesia ASAP! retuuurrrnn to me. bestfriends, can we please find time out of our--not even busy--lives so that we can make just as many memories, or hopefully more, as we had previous summers?!

in 12 hours i'll be working, awesome.

mindset

a slideshow of my past, present, and future is rolling in my head.

possible new living arrangements. it's been discussed and four of us have come together and have come to the conclusion that we need our own space. i think the only time i really get alone time is the time in which i am "getting my scrub on." ahaha. babe's lingo :) anywaaayyyss. me & a few others are considering getting a place we could call our own. the idea of it has a sort of euphonious sound; like music to my ears. independence never sounded sweeter. on the other hand:

-rent
-electricity
-water
-phone
-gas
-groceries

i think 4 roommates would make it so much easier. having one extra helping hand would make moving out a little better. i don't wanna give up my shopping time ): but i know that's just a sacrifice i am going to have to make. God, am i a baby or what!?! blaaah. well the area that my brother and rachel were looking in is more along the likes of alhambra or monterey park. i guess that way it would be the closest for all of us to get to where ever we need to go. which brings me to the point that citrus might not be the best choice for me. and that brings me to the other point that pasadena city college would be about five miles away from there. ai chihuahua. everyone better be dead serious about this.



s&f is this weekend, meaning i won't see christian for these upcoming days.
:/

dilemma

i already have my blink 182 tickets for bakersfield and irvine. and i just checked.. and the yeah yeah yeahs are playing the same day as blinks irvine show.


): bummer right?


another dilemma of mine---> enigmatic.
i pretty much haven't seen any of my friends in forever. my life is revolved around work & going back and forth from upland to west covina.. from west covina to el monte.. from el monte to lynwood.. lynwood to west covina... and then i find myself back in upland for about another week. and the routine continues. no one hits me up anymore. i guess it may be because i'm not down for my shit anymore? haa not even down to handle. that's all everyone ever does nowadays. pendejos with your fucking bud and booze. will that scene ever come to a halt with you guys? really now? i just wanna get on my dancing shoes and have a good time. a good sober time. fuck it.

im really not into giving my blogs titles anymore

likes are i won't go back to bed until a few more hours. and i am planning on waking up around 7 o'clock so that i can go for an early morning drive. i have been getting more sleep than usual lately. no room for complaints. yet i do so anyways haaa. for some strange reason i still find myself being preoccupied with roaming the thoughts of others. bumpits??? these stupid infomercials. who in the right mind would ever buy anything that they try to sell through tv? ha it amuses me.

seeing how others live their lives...quite frightening. the idea of growing up still leaves me scared shitless. i want to age for obvious reasons. but then again i want to remain this age for many more obvious reasons. i kinda wish i could do high school all over again. there are several things i would do differently the second time around. better grades. less fucking up. more spontaneity. not so much ditching. i wouldn't take back many of experiences for the world however. i had my share of fun. UCLA is still my dream but unfortunately it has been postponed for a few years :/ hopefully. as long as i get my college shit together then i should be all good.

here's what i had in mind:
-fast track classes
-honors program
-60 credits in 3 years or less

if i set my mind to it, i can do it. i can really do it. i will probably end up with a huge load of sleep debt however.

for everything else that is on my mind.. here's what i am looking forward to within the next couple of months.



and christian got me really psyched on this:

pleasant wake up call :)
except i loooooooooooove the way that you try to make me jealous.
funny guy.

change. so much change. constant movement. keep on moving. going forward. with you attending pasadena city college and me going to citrus.. and between you pursuing your passion and me scooping ice cream... wow. we better make this work. it will work. tons of effort. we can make this work. as long as we try. this is a two way sort of thing. meet me halfway, yes? just keep meeting me halfway. lets keep this little charade we have going on. we're on the right track.

you have easily managed to make me out to be exactly what i feared. exactly how i had already felt in the first place. you somehow made it even more real than it already was. thank you. burden. i burden you. if you truly love me then you would learn to accept me, along with my many troubling situations that i have to go through on a daily basis. you would be able to spend those annoying days with me and be able to let it all pass. after all, that means we get to have more leisure time to ourselves, am i right? don't blame me. i don't blame myself. this is my life after all. as if i would prefer it to be this way. you have got to be kidding me. i may not be okay with it, far from satisfaction. yet i accept it. all in all, i am grateful for everything you do for me. that itself is proof that this is a good match.

your french toast beat mine by a longshot. >:/

oh lordy

the mountains i would climb
the obstacles i would overcome
the sacrifices i would make
all for you.

taking it as it comes

it is far too simple to continually delay this routine i have going on.









i have lots to write about but i would much rather watch zack and miri instead.
maybe next time.

all you need is love

and a massive dose of trust; practice makes perfect

"maintain yourself. he's not God"

my head is spinning, round and round. the world is ending. much sooner than i thought. the world is infested with sin. it belongs to the devil, and he continuously gains pleasure in seeing me fall. i cannot allow myself to be weak. somehow, someway, i NEED to discover a better path. i need to cross over that one bridge that will lead me in the right direction. God, please aid me and bless me with the courage to climb over this obstacle and give me the strength to continue on this long and winding road i call my life. i mustn't keep putting myself in the position where my hands are tied and my feet dangle over the edge. regain strength? gain strength. i don't think i ever really was strong. i have always been the one that gets walked all over. times are changing. time for rearranging. if i'm lucky, things will change. but in a sense it will remain the same. please please please. that is what i am aiming for. pray, all i must do is pray.

a miracle is all i'm asking for.

today =

good day :) good tip. nice customers. annnnnnnnnnd thursday was moved to today. thank goodness! shakey's buffet was a waste of money. barely ate shit. i get full like no other. i came to realization today that i work at an ice cream parlor, and i actually LOST three pounds.











will i ever exceed 100 pounds?!?!

soothe

thanks cristian, this song is putting me to sleep.


unknown adventures up until thursday. i hate not knowing what to do. tuesday and wednesday are work-free. but i unfortunately will be unable to see the love of my life until stupid thursday. sunday is barely halfway over and done with. i have a feeling this week is gonna go by extra slow. especially since i spent last week so wisely. not a single day went to waste. woke up next to the guy that i am dying to spend the rest of my life with. we lied down next to eachother for hours at a time, soaking in eachother's comfort. i love when he holds me tight. it reassures me. lets me know just how much i mean to him. and i am able to tell him just how much he means to me, how grateful i am to have him in my life, how happy i am to see us together. after all this improvement. after everything. we're still here. he's really got a hold of me. don't let go. i can't let go. tight grip. clasped hands. all mine.
christian michael ramos: you consume me.

i have a shopping addiction these days. last weeks paycheck is officially gone. spent. well spent might i add. bargain shopping is my specialty. montclair, santa anita, pasadena, LA... i typically don't waste my time and money in those locations but i just had to! ha. i'm dying to make a few pit stops at some inland empire thrift stores this week. malls just frustrate me. everyone has the same thing from the same stores. sometimes i wish i had a time machine so i can go back to the mid 80's and steal the clothes from my mom's closet. no lie.

i wonder who will attend our wchs class of 2009 reunion?

i don't want to be your friend
i just want to be your lover
no matter how it ends
no matter how it starts.

.

i can't be so nonchalant about this "everlasting" situation. mama knows best. she's nowhere short of naive. it's all out. everything is completely out in the open. and i'm not quite sure of how to react towards it either? scared shitless for the most part. in other retrospects, i am entirely relieved. as strange as it may seem.

family comes first.

before anything. i once told a friend that i wasn't down to join in on his session cause i had priorities. haaa. MS.PRIORITIES. yea, i need to put my priorities in my mind. keep them in mind. set my life straight. no weed for me. no more controlling ex boyfriends that keep reeling me in and dragging me to continuous misery. i don't enjoy being meddled with, so why did i allow this shit to go on for so long? there's a simple explanation: cmr, i love you. but enough is enough.










done.
i'm fucking over this.

if you seek amy

f u c k me

just when i thought britney wasn't crazy anymore...

me

i am a plethora of knowledge.




and you... are no different than the floor i walk on. you're shit to me.

mmhm

plenty of annoying people decided that they want to buy ice cream today.
i can't wait til summer really starts to kick in! twice as many blisters on my fingers, twice as many rude customers... at least my checks will increase my satisfaction. on the other hand, i'll be lucky if i even have any leisure time to shop.

this summer really oughta be somethin'. as usual, plans are made. but the question is, will anyone actually come through this time!? ha. round trip tickets to new york really aren't pricey at all. my entire family has persuaded me that a trip to mexico would not be such a bright idea. i would much rather die peacefully instead of being kidnapped and forced into human trafficking or killed and stuffed with pellets of cocaine. wow, our world is so sickening.

on another note:
i'm stuck in my thoughts. it feels as if there is no way out. so many hands reach down into this bottomless pit. leads to nothing. nowhere, you say? i'm trapped inside. no one has gotten far enough. they yell and yell. over and over, and over and over. failed attempts. drilled into my head. but i don't have a care in the world. opinionate. it may appear one way, but i'm really the only one who knows how this works. keep trying, keep failing. keep trying, i'm failing. it's degrading. pathetic. i care too much. more than you could possibly imagine.

on the plus side... i look sweet with a mustache :D

every single muscle on my body aches

65 bucks to dance the night away at disneyland. danced til 5:30 in the morning. same songs over and over again. i was dying but my feet simply would not comply with my mind. me and liz managed to stay awake and keep on moving, even though we were some of the very few people that weren't all messed up on some sort of drug. no shrooms or ecstasy for me. no thank you, i'll pass. :) spent the majority of the night with these guys. ha they're funny. mmmmhm.

i love my family. but sometimes they can be pretty out of line. again, i'm sorry. i know they are only looking out for my well-being. please keep that in mind.

anyways. i am FINALLY a high school graduate!!! boy does time fly. congratulations class of 2009. :) now what? summer fun. travel. party. sleep in. college. work. growing up. i don't feel the least bit ready for this.

with one more day til graduation

still hasn't hit me. not a single tear drop has fallen from my eyes. please tell me this is normal. knock on wood. never works. i still do it anyways. having a sense of faith keeps me hopeful every now and then.

the main people i'll actually miss from wchs.

I know there's a reason you're forcing a smile
You hide what you're feeling and you have for a while
I can tell that you're falling
And you feel that you can't go on
But a new day is calling
And you'll see that the feeling is gone

You know you're not the only one
Who has a lot to overcome
And when the time has come then you move on
'Cause you've been crying for too long
Sometimes life is so unkind
But change is never a waste of time

I know how you're feeling, I've been there before
The hurting is something much to strong to ignore
Don't be waiting for someone
Who can take all your fear away
When there's no one to listen
That is when you should not be afraid

But change is never a waste... it's never a waste of time



the words that spill from the mouth of alanis play in my head over and over

almost here

it really hasn't hit me yet, but i know i will truly miss everything and everyone.



but why?
high school is such bull shit.

ANXIOUS

there's so much makeup work that i have to do. i need some lots of catching up to do. i had way too many absent days this year.


june 3-4: finals
june 6: baccalaureate
june 9: senior checkout
june 10: senior breakfast
june 11: graduation & grad night


and after that is finally done and over with, this heavy lead of stress will be lifted off of my shoulders. this summer should be good.

september 17: BLINK 182, WEEZER, TBS

thank you carlos and nicole for praying for me haaa.

work in one hour. i'm looking forward to the outcome of tomorrow's check :)

bite my tongue

i really wish i would sometimes. suck it up and take it in. probably the best advice i've given myself. i can't believe my parents. i'm "out of control"... O_o what the heck. i understand if they were saying that about briana 2 years ago. but they're not. these thoughts have been playing a stupid game of tug-of-war in my head for far too long. i say everything that's bothering me, with hopes that they will make the slightest attempt to at least consider making this change for me... but when they make it quite clear that my opinion means no difference to them, i can't help but to take it all back. i would much rather pretend i don't care. as if i would be fine and dandy on my own. after all, i am seventeen years old with a crappy minimum wage part-time job. oh yea. i will MOST DEFINITELY be a-okay.

who am i kidding?

with thirteen days left til graduation, i am stressing the fuck out. college can kiss my ass. november 30th, please stay as far away from me as you possibly can. fuck life. it sucks me dry and leaves me with nothing left to give. nothing to offer. i have an idea of what i want to be when i'm older. what i want to get myself into. but i feel as if i have no sense of "want". is this what i want? i have no idea what i want. not anymore. i wish i can make it out in the real world right off the bat. straight out of high school. i'm tired of this learning crap. i hate having my parents breathe down my neck with every little thing i do. this may sound extremely idiotic cause yea, i know, they're my parents and they know what's best for me but down in the depths of my mind i'm thinking of blurting out to them:

leave me the fuck alone.
let me live my life as i please.
i know what i'm doing.

no way in hell do i know what i'm doing. she's naive. childish. grow the fuck up. i remind her on a constant basis. God i'm such a bitch. i'm not one to talk. sometimes i feel like i'm doing the parenting around here. i shouldn't have these feelings. i should be grateful for all that i have been given, for all that God has blessed me with. God has blessed me with a loving family, awesome friends, and an amazing boyfriend. so why on earth am i so unsatisfied? why do i feel like my parents are continually nagging? rewind: they do it because they care.

i'm stupid. life's tiring and my finger might be sprained.

last night

yea, my body's sore from dancing in one spot to no doubt tunes.

bakersfield is fucking gay. i spy with my little eye: bro hoes invading rabobank. what the fuck is wrong with everyone?! showing up to a concert looking like you're about to go to the heist. the human race continues to surprise me. as much as i loved last nights lineup, i couldn't help but feel insanely aggravated at the weak crowd. security sucks. kicked us out when we were just trying to get a better view. watching the crowd from two floors up i kept thinking to myself:

damn i wish i was down there.
if only i was down there.

but then again, i would've spent over two hundred smackeroos just to stand around and bob my head. we got crazier in danielle's blue scion on the way to the concert compared to the people that paid a shitload for their top notch tickets. no crowd surfing. no nothing. bakersfield... what's wrong with you?!

people are idiots. it would've been a completely different environment if we ended up getting tickets to see no doubt in LA instead. for sure parking wouldn't have been as cheap in LA as it was in bakersfield, but idontcareeeee.

i hate it because i KNOW each and every blink concert is going to be held in huge stadiums. but that only inspires me to ask roxana and said to give me more hours, i have until may 27th, if i'm lucky, to try to pull together another hundred or so.
determined, oh so determined.

done bitching; off to hang out with christian.

up UP up

yet no complaints. shocking, i know.

why is it that i would much rather have my eyes feel irritant and see a blurry screen instead of simply getting up to snatch my glasses out of their cheetah printed case?
one word: lazy.
God, i'm so fucking lazy.

it's moments like these when i wish i can just pick up my phone and dial out christian's number. not because i'm bored. but because i want to talk to him one last time before i fall asleep and dream the night away. i want his voice to put me to sleep. ai my boyfriend needs a cell phone. or at least a phone in HIS house. ha. this sucks. why do i miss him already?

oprah was good today. i was so amazed by the childrens' musical talents. i wish i could play the piano as they did. i wish i could sing as she does. so envious. musically talented? negative. i sing like shit. but i can really care less; i sing at the top of my lungs either way. i sing in the civic along to UNhxc tunes, angering christian and "forcing" him to put on some band that i have never heard of. jerky boyfriend. i know he secretly loves my singing :P

superkarma; sweet sweet music to my ears. beautiful melodies.

rewind to 7 eleven with christian and angelina.

la la la la la
la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la lala
do do do do do do
ahhhhhhhhhhh

hahahah.
reminds me of way back when me and jazmin would walk from the mall back to my home.
"i believe i can fly"
goodtimes.
miss those times.
bring back those times.
miles away.

you're more beautiful than ever
miles, miles away

the walls are always speaking; i've nothing to say.
no want no want no want no speaking at all

madly

i truly am satisfied with the way my life has been heading.

i'm in love.
i'm so in love.
oh,i'm in love.



work tomorrow night.yesss, closing! gotta get that cash money. wednesday, NO DOUBT IS FINALLY FUCKING HERE. not to mention i will also get to see paramore and the sounds. talk about orgasmic. these riblets are delish. coca cola in its' original form always seems to taste better than usual. in a glass bottle, yum! this is the third time i attempt to watch rent. but i am mos def going to finish this flm this time. what is up with my infatuation with musicals? chicago is still my all-time favorite.



the only way out is up.