i love getting all dolled up :) went for an early dinner/late lunch at the cheesecake factory w/ my cousins, mom, and her friend. got stuffed off half eaten salmon & that ultimate red velvet cheesecake. then sex & the city 2 afterwards. did we call it or what man?! can't believe carrie ): ahaha. fun little girls night out had a sudden twist at the end. went to hang out for a bit at a special someone's house. really wasn't what i had expected. i don't know what to expect anymore. maybe that's a good thing? anything could happen now i guess. SURPRISE ME! just don't break my heart anymore than you already have.
goodnight & hello to my leftover salmon.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
ticking time bomb
forget about it. i'm giving you til the end of time. but there's a catch: count me out. i'm killing myself. this is killing me. overanalyzing and overthinking; what the fuck did i do wrong? oh well oh well oh well. beating myself up over this. i can't stand the idea of me feeling miserable & you having the time of your life.
fuck you
fuck you
FUCK YOU!
you walked in and walked out today like nothing. like it was no big deal. & left me with nothing but a few words on a wrinkled napkin. none of which i wanted to see. three OTHER simple words would've made me feel better. but instead i don't see those words until after i claim that i'll make sure to leave you alone. i can't fucking do this. all i gotta say, is you're gonna regret this. i know right now i'm at my lowest. can't get any lower than this. but just you wait and see. just like last time. trust me, you'll see. give me time. a whole mess of time. wow i'm gonna need so much time ): but hey! i'll be better than ever. bright as new. just like i always am. right? god, i hope so.
"i think i'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street." why jenny lewis, now doesn't that idea seem swell!
fuck you
fuck you
FUCK YOU!
you walked in and walked out today like nothing. like it was no big deal. & left me with nothing but a few words on a wrinkled napkin. none of which i wanted to see. three OTHER simple words would've made me feel better. but instead i don't see those words until after i claim that i'll make sure to leave you alone. i can't fucking do this. all i gotta say, is you're gonna regret this. i know right now i'm at my lowest. can't get any lower than this. but just you wait and see. just like last time. trust me, you'll see. give me time. a whole mess of time. wow i'm gonna need so much time ): but hey! i'll be better than ever. bright as new. just like i always am. right? god, i hope so.
"i think i'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street." why jenny lewis, now doesn't that idea seem swell!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
sometimes things change
maybe he's over it.
1-i feel like im never gonna find another guy who has his qualities, and whos family is so chill with me, and who i can trust fully. like i think most of the times id get mad at him that i was just digging and digging to find a flaw in him
honest to god, i trusted him with my life. but i think i just didnt wanna let my guard down cause i thought the second i did that he'd pull a fast one and fuck me over like everyone else has
2-everyone has them even you, even me ah no one is perfect, and you cant say he is perfect
1-i know hes not perfect
im not saying hes perfect
2-youll mean someone esle your gonna fall headover heels with
1-im saying he's pretty darn close in my eyes
2-boys come and go if hes meant to stay he will
when i overanalyze & look deeper into everything that goes wrong in my life, i come to realize that all these obstacles i've encountered have all branched from the same damn tree. of infidelity and immorality. i keep picking bad apples. except for one. this one is bittersweet. each bite gets better and better. but now, all of a sudden, i'm down to the core. done. finito.
1-i feel like im never gonna find another guy who has his qualities, and whos family is so chill with me, and who i can trust fully. like i think most of the times id get mad at him that i was just digging and digging to find a flaw in him
honest to god, i trusted him with my life. but i think i just didnt wanna let my guard down cause i thought the second i did that he'd pull a fast one and fuck me over like everyone else has
2-everyone has them even you, even me ah no one is perfect, and you cant say he is perfect
1-i know hes not perfect
im not saying hes perfect
2-youll mean someone esle your gonna fall headover heels with
1-im saying he's pretty darn close in my eyes
2-boys come and go if hes meant to stay he will
when i overanalyze & look deeper into everything that goes wrong in my life, i come to realize that all these obstacles i've encountered have all branched from the same damn tree. of infidelity and immorality. i keep picking bad apples. except for one. this one is bittersweet. each bite gets better and better. but now, all of a sudden, i'm down to the core. done. finito.
babycakes, you're my foible
please please please be good to me
this happens to all of us
apparently im not good enough
i can make you laugh like tangerine
you say that im still here
that proves that i love you dear
late at night you come home smelling tangerine
i'm not going to bed
just say please please please be good to me
psh, check me out. first time in a long time that i'm up at this hour. i sleep like a baby when i'm happy with my life. catch my drift? forced sleep. let's hope that drunken trees will help, or else it's time to start counting sheep.
this happens to all of us
apparently im not good enough
i can make you laugh like tangerine
you say that im still here
that proves that i love you dear
late at night you come home smelling tangerine
i'm not going to bed
just say please please please be good to me
psh, check me out. first time in a long time that i'm up at this hour. i sleep like a baby when i'm happy with my life. catch my drift? forced sleep. let's hope that drunken trees will help, or else it's time to start counting sheep.
Monday, May 24, 2010
yesterday
how long will it take me to get over this? i know it's been not even a day yet i'm all ready to explode. it feels so surreal. for two and a half years my life had its ups and downs but it felt right. i thought everything was going amazing, but apparently i was wrong. apparently there were hidden emotions and thoughts; i guess i kinda knew they were there, but i just wasn't aware of how much it was effecting things between us. how could you play me for a fool? or, better yet, how could i allow you to play me for a fool? how could i be so naive? then again, i could be wrong. as the old saying goes: "if you love something, then let it go"? thats what we're doing here i guess. i love you more than anything. and i know you'd be crazy to say that you don't feel the same for me. so then what are you doing this for? why have you given up on me? when the going gets rough, you're supposed to hold on tighter. but instead you're letting go. leaving me. is this what you really want? i heard your quivering voice, saw your teary eyes when you said everything you had to say. this isn't what you want. it's the last thing i want.
the only person i truly counted on and trusted has left me high and dry...
so now what do i do?
i woke up on numerous accounts last night. i slept horribly and everytime i would awake your name and face came to mind. i can't recall any of my dreams but i'm pretty sure they involved you, or something like it. i'm holding my phone right next to me but for what? i know you're not going to call. denial much? as for today, i'm just gonna stay in bed and drown in my misery. it's a gloomy day outside & i'm soaking it all in. i forgot how it feels to have my heart broken. it feels worse and worse each time around. i don't think i'll ever grow immune. get me high, make me numb. i want to forget.
being crushed from your closing walls
i never thought it would have come to this
i'd try to tell you but my lungs are being crushed
my voice is the last thing that i thought i'd ever miss
i hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
now i guess i'm just a liar
would i be lying if i said i don't know?
now i guess that this is over
and i'm sorry that you have nothing to show
i hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
and i can't do what you please
when i haven't been standing on my own two feet
i'll come running back to you just like you knew i'd do
it's hard to talk when the words are on the tip of your tongue.
never going to give up on you like you did to me.
the only person i truly counted on and trusted has left me high and dry...
so now what do i do?
i woke up on numerous accounts last night. i slept horribly and everytime i would awake your name and face came to mind. i can't recall any of my dreams but i'm pretty sure they involved you, or something like it. i'm holding my phone right next to me but for what? i know you're not going to call. denial much? as for today, i'm just gonna stay in bed and drown in my misery. it's a gloomy day outside & i'm soaking it all in. i forgot how it feels to have my heart broken. it feels worse and worse each time around. i don't think i'll ever grow immune. get me high, make me numb. i want to forget.
being crushed from your closing walls
i never thought it would have come to this
i'd try to tell you but my lungs are being crushed
my voice is the last thing that i thought i'd ever miss
i hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
now i guess i'm just a liar
would i be lying if i said i don't know?
now i guess that this is over
and i'm sorry that you have nothing to show
i hope this makes you see just how you destroy me
and i can't do what you please
when i haven't been standing on my own two feet
i'll come running back to you just like you knew i'd do
it's hard to talk when the words are on the tip of your tongue.
never going to give up on you like you did to me.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
soooooooo
thanks for leaving me to figure my shit out on my own.
thanks for leaving me to fend for myself.
i don't know if i can do this alone.
i'm ready to give up.
can anyone hear me out there?
this is me crying for help.
this is me in need of a helping hand.
i feel so useless without you.
i feel pathetic just admitting it.
05/23/10 has changed my mind drastically.
through thick and thin my effing ass.
thanks for leaving me to fend for myself.
i don't know if i can do this alone.
i'm ready to give up.
can anyone hear me out there?
this is me crying for help.
this is me in need of a helping hand.
i feel so useless without you.
i feel pathetic just admitting it.
05/23/10 has changed my mind drastically.
through thick and thin my effing ass.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
-__-
half of the week here, the rest of the week there.
my summer's going to consist of lots of backs and forths.
story of my life.
nothing new there.
my stomach aches.
starving? tired? maybe both.
i needa get on the ball!
my summer's going to consist of lots of backs and forths.
story of my life.
nothing new there.
my stomach aches.
starving? tired? maybe both.
i needa get on the ball!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
crack my head open so all my thoughts will spill out
i'm tired and i'm angry and i just want to scream at the fucking top of my lungs. it's been a while since i've been this stressed out. i haven't had a cry this good in such a long time. i feel like shit but, boy does it feel fucking great to let it all out. thank god i'm actually home alone for once. but i don't wanna be alone right now. i feel so lonely. too lonely. i feel so small. i feel like this shouldn't matter but no, everything matters. every little thing matters to me right now. this big room with no space. this house is filled up from door to door. i've no room to breathe. i need a fucking breather. i need to get the fuck away. from school, "home", everyone i know. i feel smothered for some reason. chills keep running down my spine and up my arms. my eyes feel so goddamn heavy. i'm exhausted. a bit scared. extremely lost. i feel like a child all over again. i want my mom to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. but it was much more believable back then. i know better now, and i also know that she would be full of shit if she were to say that to me now. i look around and i know it's not gonna be okay. not anytime soon at least.
my mind isn't the only thing that's a mess.
i don't think we're anything close to being 100% there this time. so many expectations that are never met. so many ambitions that are yet to be reached. i'm tired & ready for a nap.
my mind isn't the only thing that's a mess.
i don't think we're anything close to being 100% there this time. so many expectations that are never met. so many ambitions that are yet to be reached. i'm tired & ready for a nap.
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